Holy cow.
Boys and girls, we have MADE it here in the great, big, beautiful, free, law & order state of Florida. We've made it. It's here.
Fall is here.
The windows are cranked wide ass open today. All day. The smell of fire is permeating throughout my neighborhood (although that may be from folks burning hurricane debris). My AC is turned off. Just … off.
Your watch has ended, sweet prince. Take a bow. Take a rest. You've worked nonstop for eight months now. Today, it's time to use some of your PTO, because it is 68 degrees. Sixty-eight.
Thought we'd get a solid 69 joke out of today, but Mother Nature put her horny feelings aside and went EVEN LOWER.
What a day. There is nothing like the feeling of waking up in Florida to that first cool day of the year. Nothing in the world. Hits like crack. Everyone is immediately in a better mood. It's just an instant shot to the system. One week ago today, we were all getting obliterated by Milton. Now?
Now, we get our revenge. It's our time. Let's have a day.
On that note, welcome to a Hump Day Nightcaps – the one where we welcome Rachel Nichols to class, along with Michael Jordan, because those two rocked the internet with some insane hand-placement earlier this week. You'll see.
What else? I've got Nightcaps OG Jennifer Aniston checking in with an absolute heater on a chilly fall Wednesday, Jimmy Carter went to the ballot box with fire in his belly yesterday to vote for Kamala, and the AP pumped out the most insane tweet about Al Roker that I've ever seen.
I could give you 1,000 guesses, and you still wouldn't even get close to what this bad boy said. Strap in.
OK, grab you one of them Sears Christmas catalogs on the way to the toilet – it is National Department Store Day, after all – and settle in for a Hump Day 'Cap!
'It's a scorcher,' and so is Trump's take on the garbage new kickoff
Y'all know what a department store is? Serious question. I assume this class is pretty diverse in age, so anyone here over 30 knows what I'm talking about.
But for you Gen-Zers who actually showed up today, I assume you have no idea. None. Sears, Macy's, JCPenney, Dillard's – all absolute staples in a shopping mall back in 1998. They'd be at the four separate corners of the mall, and it was just a choose-your-own-adventure book every time you pulled into the parking lot.
Which entrance do we wanna choose? Do we feel like going through the Macy's perfume section to get to the Auntie Anne's in the food court because it's a quicker route, or do we just suck it up and park way in the back of the front entrance because it's not worth smelling like that all day?
And we can all agree that Dillard's was the black sheep of the department store family, right? Feel like that's where the middle-class folks went. I was one of them, so I'd know. Great shirts at a great discount!
Anyway, I say all of that because it gives me the chance to revisit my all-time favorite childhood commercial. If you know, you know:
God, we used to have it so good. Everything was perfect back in 1999. Absolutely perfect. And now?
Now, my childhood Sears is a Spirit Halloween. True story. When I was home last week for the hurricane, I drove by the mall – which is basically a homeless hangout at this point – and that stupid Spirit Halloween sign was plastered over the old Sears location. Disgusting.
Kamala's America.
Not Trump's!
Jimbo!!!
I mean, it's the most accurate, relatable thing Trump has ever said. The new kickoff SUCKS. It looks AWFUL. I hated it the second I saw it in the HOF game two months ago, and it's done nothing to win me over.
Have there been any kick returns this year for tuddies? Maybe one? I mean, it's awful. It's clunky and an absolute momentum killer for the fans. Nobody in the stands gets pumped when they look down on the field and see that crap. We're better off just giving each team the ball at the 25 to start each drive. I'm serious. I'd rather do that.
PS: the Trump comment about bad neighborhoods that's getting predictable traction from the woke mob today? I promise you every single football player in the country is laughing at it today, because it's 100% true.
I played high school football. I drove my teammates home after practice. We laughed about it. It's locker room stuff that losers at the WaPo wouldn't understand. It's not the deep, fellas. I promise.
OK, enough of that. Let's check in with Jimmy Carter to get his thoughts:
Jen gets ripped, Al gets lit & Rachel Nichols checks in after a big night
Completely normal behavior from the Carter family. Just keeping this poor man alive YEARS beyond his death due date just so they could push some BS political narrative.
There is zero, and I mean zero percent chance Jimmy Carter knows who Kamala Harris is. None. And if he does, he forgets three seconds later.
LOOK AT THAT MAN! Do you really think he's doing deep dives into the world of politics right now? He's so far gone it ain't even funny.
PS: we all know Kamala would've gotten Jimmy's vote whether he was alive or dead. That's how the Dems operate. I've seen this movie before.
OK, rapid-fire time on this chilly Autumn day so I can get my ass into a flannel shirt and over to a pumpkin patch. First up? Hellllllllllllo Jennifer Aniston!
That's our girl!!! For all the internet losers who constantly bitch at me for posting clickbait Jennifer Aniston blogs "because she doesn't look anything like that anymore," here ya go. Happy now?
That's how you stay relevant at 55, boys and girls. Take notes and get your asses to the gym!
Next? Imagine my surprise when I clicked on the Twitter machine at 5:45 this morning and this was the first thing that popped up:
Yeah, I would've been, too, had I not already known the definition. For those who don't know, go ahead and click here for the Urban Dictionary write-up! Gooooooooooooood luck!
PS: what a sentence – One day after they’d had their fun, she calmly pulled a backup poon out of the refrigerator.
Incredible.
OK, save us, Rachel!
Take us home, Kristin Cavallari
Hey now, MJ! What's going on there, big guy? Did you think you two could get away with those wrapped up little fingers and the internet NOT notice?
Think again!
Why is MJ holding her hand?
Why are you holding MJs fingers like that?
She got that tight grip.
Hey how y'all looking hella close.
Mike what yo doing?
I could go on and on – the comment section is a tin-foil-hat wasteland. I'm all in on whatever's going on here, by the way. Rachel Nichols is a legend of the game and if her and MJ are a thing, so be it. Power Couple City, baby!
OK, that's all for today. I've gotta go dig up my beanies from the closet.
Take us home, Kristin!
