The Jack of All Trades, Master of Absolutely Nothing
Brooklyn Beckham has officially declared war on his creators, David and Victoria Beckham, in a scorching social media manifesto that accuses them of manipulation, bribery, and fakery. But before Brooklyn decided to burn “Brand Beckham” to the ground, he spent the last decade riding its coattails through a revolving door of half-baked career attempts. The -year-old has tried—and spectacularly failed—at almost every profession available to the rich and famous, leaving a trail of cringe-worthy moments and abandoned projects in his wake.
While Brooklyn claims he is “standing up for himself for the first time,” critics are quick to point out that he has been standing on his parents’ shoulders his entire life. From the soccer pitch to the kitchen, Brooklyn has bounced from hobby to hobby with the attention span of a goldfish, funded entirely by the empire he is now trying to destroy.
TMZ is digging through the archives of Brooklyn’s resume to track the rise and fall of every single “dream job” he has cycled through. It is a timeline of privilege, nepotism, and public humiliation that proves money can buy opportunities, but it certainly cannot buy talent.
The Soccer Prodigy That Wasn’t
The first stop on the Brooklyn Beckham career tour was the most obvious: Football. As the firstborn son of David Beckham, arguably the most famous soccer player on the planet, the pressure was on from the moment he could walk. The narrative was set for Brooklyn to inherit the Golden Balls legacy, and for a minute, it looked like it might happen.
He secured a spot at the Arsenal Football Club’s youth academy—a prestigious position that thousands of kids kill for. But the dream died fast. By age , Brooklyn was cut. He didn’t receive a scholarship to continue, signaling to the world that while he had the name, he didn’t have the feet.
David publicly admitted the crushing weight of his legacy on his son, telling ABC in that Brooklyn had confessed, “If I am not as good as you, then it is not good enough.” It was the first major failure in Brooklyn’s life, and instead of grinding in the lower leagues, he pivoted immediately to the next shiny object.
The ‘Blurry’ Photography Scandal
After hanging up his cleats, Brooklyn decided he was an artist. In , at the tender age of , he was handed a massive gig: shooting a campaign for Burberry BRIT. The fashion world went ballistic. Professional photographers who had spent decades honing their craft were outraged that a teenager with zero formal training was handed a major luxury campaign simply because his mom is Posh Spice.
The controversy didn’t stop him. In , he released a photography book titled What I See. The book was instantly roasted by critics and the internet alike for its blurry, out-of-focus images and hilarious captions. One infamous page featured a blurry elephant with the caption, “elephants in Kenya. so hard to photograph but incredible to see.” It became a meme for mediocrity.
Brooklyn tried to legitimize his new passion by enrolling in the prestigious Parsons School of Design in New York. It was a four-year course. He lasted one year. Sources at the time claimed he was “homesick,” but insiders whispered that the technical requirements of actual photography were too much for him to handle. Just like soccer, when it got hard, he bailed.
The $, Sandwich and the Chef Era
When the pandemic hit, Brooklyn reinvented himself again. This time, he was a chef. Despite having no culinary training, he launched an online series called Cookin’ With Brooklyn. Reports leaked that each episode cost upwards of $, to produce, requiring a massive crew to make Brooklyn look competent while he assembled basic dishes.
The absolute nadir of his chef era came in during an appearance on the Today show. In a segment that lives in infamy, Brooklyn’s big cooking demo consisted of him… assembling a breakfast sandwich. He put bacon, sausage, and egg on a bagel. The hosts had to feign amazement while the internet tore him to shreds. It was the ultimate “Emperor Has No Clothes” moment.
“I will never forget watching him make a sandwich on live TV like he invented bread. The delusion is next level. Gordon Ramsay was probably crying somewhere.”
He admitted to The Times that he never took a cooking class but was “obsessed with watching MasterClass.” Apparently, watching videos is the same as a culinary degree in the Beckham household. He launched a hot sauce brand, Cloud, and a sake brand, WESAKE, trying to pivot from “chef” to “food mogul,” but the credibility just wasn’t there.
The Barista ‘PR Stunt’
In a hilarious attempt to make Brooklyn seem “grounded,” the Beckhams famously let him work as a barista in West London when he was . David bragged to the press about teaching his kids the value of hard work.
While he may have actually pulled a few espressos, skeptics have long called this a PR stunt designed to make the billionaire offspring look relatable. He reportedly worked for minimum wage, which barely covered the cost of the security detail that likely hovered nearby. It was a brief cosplay of a normal life before he jetted off to sit front row at Fashion Week.
The Modeling Career That Genetics Built
Between his failed pivots, Brooklyn fell back on the one job that requires zero skill if you have famous parents: Modeling. Starting in , he graced the covers of Vogue China, Interview, and The New York Times Style Magazine. He became a brand ambassador for Superdry and Huawei.
Let’s be real: He is a handsome guy, but at ‘”, he is hardly runway material without the Beckham name attached. This wasn’t a “career” so much as it was a birthright. It kept his face in the magazines while he figured out what personality he wanted to try on next.
The Racecar Driver Pivot
Just when we thought he had run out of hobbies, brought us “Brooklyn Beckham: Racecar Driver.” Yes, really. He appeared in a documentary for Formula E called Formula E Creators’ Challenge. Was he a professional driver? No. Did he have any racing background? No. But did he get to drive fast cars because of who he is? Absolutely.
This phase seems to be another fleeting interest, likely sparked by hanging out with F drivers in the paddock rather than any genuine desire to compete. It is just another expensive toy in the playroom of his life.
The Dog Shelter and the Family War
The latest addition to the resume is “Charity Founder.” In May , Brooklyn and his wife Nicola Peltz filed paperwork to launch the Peltz Beckham Foundation, a dog shelter in Los Angeles. This venture is directly tied to the current nuclear war with his parents.
In his explosive statement on January , Brooklyn claimed that “the one time my wife asked for my mum’s support to save displaced dogs during the LA fires, my mum refused.” He used this as proof that “Brand Beckham” is heartless.
While saving dogs is noble, it is also the latest in a long line of projects. Will the shelter actually open and operate, or will it go the way of the photography book and the cooking show? Only time will tell if Brooklyn has the discipline to stick with something that doesn’t involve instant gratification.
The Irony of ‘Control’
Brooklyn’s recent claims that he was “controlled” by his parents are fascinating when viewed against his resume. Every single door that opened for him—Burberry, Arsenal, Vogue, the Today show—was unlocked by David and Victoria’s influence. He claims they used him for the brand, but he certainly didn’t mind using the brand to land gigs he was woefully unqualified for.
Now that he has severed ties, Brooklyn faces the ultimate test: Can he actually succeed at anything without the Beckham machine behind him? Or will he just drift into obscurity as the guy who used to be David Beckham’s son?
The “nepo baby” discourse has never had a better mascot. Brooklyn Beckham has tried it all, failed at most of it, and is now biting the hand that fed him caviar since birth. We are waiting for the inevitable “DJ Brooklyn” era to drop next.
